


The Missing Finger, or The Diary of Jason Dean: Part 2

by Gribby



Series: The Missing Finger, or The Diary of Jason Dean [2]
Category: Heathers (1988)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-23
Updated: 2016-11-23
Packaged: 2018-09-01 18:57:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8634166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gribby/pseuds/Gribby
Summary: J.D's dad finds him before he can commit suicide, and the pair have a conversation.





	

Dear Diary,  
Surprised? Guess you couldn’t get rid of me that easily, it’s me J.D. I suppose you’re wondering how I’m still alive. Well… it seems heaven isn’t ready for me yet. Okay, okay, you want to know what actually happened. I get it.  
Here goes. It’s funny how controlling other people’s ‘suicides’ is so easy, but when it comes to killing yourself it can be kinda hard. I mean I was ready to embrace death with open arms, but dying… I don’t know. Maybe I was scared it would hurt. No. That can’t be it- I’m not scared of anything. Anyways, I hesitated a moment too long, and then my dad came in to find me, knife in hand.

 

“Is this a dagger I see before me?” I quipped, flashing a wild-eyed smile in his direction. By now, I was resigned to the fact that he would try and stop me. My dad’s a weirdo, but the carpet’s too nice to spoil- cream.  
He negated to express the obvious- no, it was not a dagger, but a knife. Instead, he wrapped his arm around me, and pulled me towards me in a firm, masculine hug.  
“Son,” he began. Oftentimes, he referred to me as ‘Dad’ in a bizarre role reversal (I guess you could call it an inside joke), but at that moment, I was very much his son- frail and vulnerable (or at least in his eyes- I hasten to disagree).  
“What’s happening? Are you alright, Jason?” An expression of genuine concern resided on his face, something that surprised me, for I don’t think I remember any time prior to this when my father had seemed in the slightest bit worried about me- not since I was very little anyway.  
“What does it look like I’m doing, polishing the knife?” I couldn’t help but allow a hint of bitterness to creep into my voice, though I didn’t feel bitter, well only a little- more confused.  
“Yeah, sorry,” he replied sheepishly, “I suppose it’s obvious. It’s just… why? Jason, please put down the knife. Why… why are you doing this, Jason?”

 

At that point, I snapped. Maybe I just have a mercurial personality.  
“Why?! You have the audacity to ask why?! Why?! Because nobody loves me- you don’t love me, Veronica doesn’t love me, and as for Mum, well… I guess… I guess she never loved me either. She might’ve thought twice about blowing herself sky high if she had!” I hadn’t meant to become engulfed by rage, but it just seemed the natural emotion.  
Pressing me firmly against his chest, he started speaking: “You think no-one loves you? Jason, I love you very much indeed. It’s just that… It’s just that after your mother… died, well… I blamed myself. She… she never told me anything was wrong, and I was so caught up with work, that...well I was blind to my own wife’s needs. I loved her, so much and she died because of me. If I had only looked up at that tower block and seen her waving, I… I could’ve stopped the explosion. She’d still be here if… if… Anyway, I...I was distraught after her death- I’d lost the person I loved most of all in the whole world. Not that I didn’t love you- I loved you with all my heart. You were all I had left after she died, and I… I guess I just couldn’t bare the thought of losing you too. Somehow, I figured that it was my love for her that killed her. I thought maybe God had some kind of personal vendetta against me, and was trying to take away everything that brought me joy. For some reason, I thought distancing myself from you would protect you, Son. And, maybe if anything did happen to you, it would hurt me less- selfish, I know. But… but now I see how wrong I was. This is all my fault. I love you. And I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you now, my boy. I’m sorry about Veronica. If you want to chat, I’m always here.”

 

There was a clatter of steel, as the knife dropped to the floor. My father was squeezing me tightly, and though it pains me to admit it, I wept into his arms. I felt a bizarre sensation flood over me… kinda a sense of belonging. I’d never felt like that before, and I didn’t know how to respond. You’d probably say I should have been happy, and I was, but at the same time, it felt so unnatural, so unexpected. All I could do was sob and lean into my father’s embrace.  
I didn’t tell him about the ‘suicides’- I don’t know what he would say if he knew. Would he still love me? I don’t know. A parent’s love is supposed to be unconditional, but I don’t know… I must admit it did feel sorta… niceto be told he cares, but I’ve been hurt too many times to trust that he wouldn’t withdraw if his newly-declared love if I told him. Maybe, I’ll tell him one day.  
Fortunately, everything worked out well in the end. Not sure what I’m going to do about school; I can’t just sallie on in. Or can I? Of course I can. I might see Veronica. Wonder what she’d make of that. I’m gonna win her back. Just you mark my words.  
Au revoir,  
J.D


End file.
